Where Does Homosexuality Come From?
An excerpt from the booklet "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' "
This month on Weekend Magazine, I will be examining a common struggle that many Christians face when confronted with the issue of homosexuality. We may understand that the Bible identifies homosexual behavior as sinful, but when someone we care about — a family member or close friend — claims to be gay, how should we respond?
I hope you have the chance to review the audio segments we recorded with two former homosexuals, Mike Haley and Melissa Fryrear, who now frequently speak on behalf of Focus on the Family about this very concern. I know you'll find their comments very insightful.
I also think the following article can give you some insights as well. It is excerpted with permission from "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' " by Bob Davies, with additional insights offered from Focus on the Family's Gender Issues Department.
Where Does Homosexuality Come From?
What causes homosexuality?
Two of the biggest questions surrounding homosexuality are, "Is homosexuality genetic?" and "Do people choose to be gay?" This gets down to the root issue of trying to explain the why — why would someone be romantically, emotionally and sexually attracted to the same sex?
If some believe that people are born gay then the assumption that follows is that God is responsible. This condition is genetic — so God caused it, or at least allowed it to occur. It is His fault. Some evangelical Christians have actually thrown out their biblical convictions that homosexuality is sin. It is genetic, they rationalize, so my son, daughter or friend had no other option. "I guess the Bible doesn't mean what I used to think it meant about this subject." This is a false.
Or, others believe that people simply make a conscious choice to be attracted to their same sex. Again, this is an erroneous explanation. People do not consciously choose to be gay, in the vast majority of cases. They become aware of homosexual feelings, often at puberty, just as others became aware of heterosexual desires and attractions. It infuriates gays and lesbians when someone tells them, "You chose this. Now stop it!" This is also false.
To find the answers to these two questions we must be willing to search for the truth. Are you willing to "walk in the truth?" Are you committed to the truth? Or, are you happy with false explanations because they are easier?
The truth is, people are not born gay and most people do not choose to be gay. Sexual orientation is a complicated issue because it includes a person's thoughts, fantasies, experiences, feelings, attractions, behavior, identity and relationships. The formation of same-sex attraction and a subsequent gay- or lesbian-identity is the result of a combination of possible influencing environmental, psychosocial and biological factors — interacting in ways unique to each individual.
Specifically, these influencing factors may include failure to properly bond with the same-sex parent and same-sex peers, over-identification with the opposite-sex parent, personality temperament, sexual molestation, exposure to pornography, sexual experimentation, negative body image, difficulty in relating to the opposite sex and media influences. In short, homosexuality stems from problems in properly relating to, and identifying with, one's own sex. It is a relational problem involving rejection and wounding — driving a deep need for love and affirmation by the same sex. And when the legitimate need for same-sex affirmation is not fully met during the appropriate developmental stage in childhood, the person may seek to meet it in illegitimate ways — including homosexuality.
Thus, in understanding the possible influencing factors to same-sex attraction Christians learn that this sinful relational pattern is no different than other ungodly ways humans deal with pain and rejection. And we are better equipped to love without condemnation and offer the relational solution of Jesus Christ to the relational problem of homosexuality.
How to be a Positive Influence
As Christians, we are to become role models of Christ, especially to our loved ones. We exhibit His character in many ways. In demonstrating humility. In taking the first step in reconciliation. In modeling repentance. In taking responsibility for our own behavior. These show, rather than tell, the other person what the character of Jesus Christ is like.
The other most important arena of influence is our prayers. God's Spirit can "wrestle" with that person whether they are next door or across the world. Here are some specific ways that you can pray:
Tom Cole, now happily married with four children, remembers how the witness of a Christian co-worker changed the whole direction of his life. He was 26 at the time, and had been involved in dozens of gay relationships since the age of 19. He was despairing and lonely. Then he met a woman named Rosie, a waitress at the restaurant where Tom was a cook. Tom was flagrant about his homosexuality, and Rosie was equally outspoken about her Christian faith.
One night as she was leaving work to go home, Rosie told Tom, "My husband and I will be praying for you." Tom was shocked. "You pray for me?" "Yes," Rosie said, "We pray for you every night." As she went out the door, she added, "Tom, I love you. I just want you to know that I love you."
Tom recalls the impact of her words: "The words ripped my heart open. I knew she was speaking the truth. I knew she loved me. All the years of hurt and pain and hardness were suddenly broken open. The wall I had erected in my heart was blasted down. I began to cry as the realization of what she'd said hit me. I ducked under the counter so she couldn't see me crying. I knew at that moment that whatever it was she had, I wanted it too."
Several weeks later, Tom went to church with Rosie and her husband and accepted Christ. They discipled Tom as a new believer. His early days as a Christian were not without serious challenges, Tom admits: "They saw me stumble and fall and then watched God pick me back up. They saw me come to Bible study and prayer meetings at their home drunk or high. But through it all, they walked with me; they prayed for me; they showed me God's truth in Scripture. I would not be alive today if it weren't for the witness of this beautiful woman in Christ."
Referrals:
I hope you have the chance to review the audio segments we recorded with two former homosexuals, Mike Haley and Melissa Fryrear, who now frequently speak on behalf of Focus on the Family about this very concern. I know you'll find their comments very insightful.
I also think the following article can give you some insights as well. It is excerpted with permission from "When a Loved One Says 'I'm Gay' " by Bob Davies, with additional insights offered from Focus on the Family's Gender Issues Department.
Where Does Homosexuality Come From?
What causes homosexuality?
Two of the biggest questions surrounding homosexuality are, "Is homosexuality genetic?" and "Do people choose to be gay?" This gets down to the root issue of trying to explain the why — why would someone be romantically, emotionally and sexually attracted to the same sex?
If some believe that people are born gay then the assumption that follows is that God is responsible. This condition is genetic — so God caused it, or at least allowed it to occur. It is His fault. Some evangelical Christians have actually thrown out their biblical convictions that homosexuality is sin. It is genetic, they rationalize, so my son, daughter or friend had no other option. "I guess the Bible doesn't mean what I used to think it meant about this subject." This is a false.
Or, others believe that people simply make a conscious choice to be attracted to their same sex. Again, this is an erroneous explanation. People do not consciously choose to be gay, in the vast majority of cases. They become aware of homosexual feelings, often at puberty, just as others became aware of heterosexual desires and attractions. It infuriates gays and lesbians when someone tells them, "You chose this. Now stop it!" This is also false.
To find the answers to these two questions we must be willing to search for the truth. Are you willing to "walk in the truth?" Are you committed to the truth? Or, are you happy with false explanations because they are easier?
The truth is, people are not born gay and most people do not choose to be gay. Sexual orientation is a complicated issue because it includes a person's thoughts, fantasies, experiences, feelings, attractions, behavior, identity and relationships. The formation of same-sex attraction and a subsequent gay- or lesbian-identity is the result of a combination of possible influencing environmental, psychosocial and biological factors — interacting in ways unique to each individual.
Specifically, these influencing factors may include failure to properly bond with the same-sex parent and same-sex peers, over-identification with the opposite-sex parent, personality temperament, sexual molestation, exposure to pornography, sexual experimentation, negative body image, difficulty in relating to the opposite sex and media influences. In short, homosexuality stems from problems in properly relating to, and identifying with, one's own sex. It is a relational problem involving rejection and wounding — driving a deep need for love and affirmation by the same sex. And when the legitimate need for same-sex affirmation is not fully met during the appropriate developmental stage in childhood, the person may seek to meet it in illegitimate ways — including homosexuality.
Thus, in understanding the possible influencing factors to same-sex attraction Christians learn that this sinful relational pattern is no different than other ungodly ways humans deal with pain and rejection. And we are better equipped to love without condemnation and offer the relational solution of Jesus Christ to the relational problem of homosexuality.
How to be a Positive Influence
As Christians, we are to become role models of Christ, especially to our loved ones. We exhibit His character in many ways. In demonstrating humility. In taking the first step in reconciliation. In modeling repentance. In taking responsibility for our own behavior. These show, rather than tell, the other person what the character of Jesus Christ is like.
The other most important arena of influence is our prayers. God's Spirit can "wrestle" with that person whether they are next door or across the world. Here are some specific ways that you can pray:
- Pray the "Hound of Heaven" will pursue your loved one relentlessly.
- Pray the Lord will send caring and loving Christians into your loved one's life to act as Christ's ambassadors.
- Pray the Lord will expose your loved one to the Gospel, and reveal to their heart who Jesus Christ is.
- Pray, too, that God will give them the faith necessary.
- Pray that God will convict your loved one of his or her sin. (God's ultimate goal is not punishment, but repentance.)
- Pray that your heart will remain open to your loved one so you can be a channel of God's grace.
Tom Cole, now happily married with four children, remembers how the witness of a Christian co-worker changed the whole direction of his life. He was 26 at the time, and had been involved in dozens of gay relationships since the age of 19. He was despairing and lonely. Then he met a woman named Rosie, a waitress at the restaurant where Tom was a cook. Tom was flagrant about his homosexuality, and Rosie was equally outspoken about her Christian faith.
One night as she was leaving work to go home, Rosie told Tom, "My husband and I will be praying for you." Tom was shocked. "You pray for me?" "Yes," Rosie said, "We pray for you every night." As she went out the door, she added, "Tom, I love you. I just want you to know that I love you."
Tom recalls the impact of her words: "The words ripped my heart open. I knew she was speaking the truth. I knew she loved me. All the years of hurt and pain and hardness were suddenly broken open. The wall I had erected in my heart was blasted down. I began to cry as the realization of what she'd said hit me. I ducked under the counter so she couldn't see me crying. I knew at that moment that whatever it was she had, I wanted it too."
Several weeks later, Tom went to church with Rosie and her husband and accepted Christ. They discipled Tom as a new believer. His early days as a Christian were not without serious challenges, Tom admits: "They saw me stumble and fall and then watched God pick me back up. They saw me come to Bible study and prayer meetings at their home drunk or high. But through it all, they walked with me; they prayed for me; they showed me God's truth in Scripture. I would not be alive today if it weren't for the witness of this beautiful woman in Christ."
Referrals:
- Focus on the Family Counseling
You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459). - Exodus North America
P.O. Box 540119 Orlando, FL 32854
888-264-0877
www.exodusinternational.org - National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)
16633 Ventura Boulevard, #1340
Encino, CA 91436
818-789-4440
www.narth.com
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