My In-Law Shows Favoritism to Other Family Members

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband has one sister who is married; she and her husband have two kids like we do. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law always shows favoritism to her daughter's family over ours. Earlier this year when I called about visiting on Mother's Day, we were told to come the day after because there were already plans in place with her daughter's family. More recently, when I asked about Thanksgiving, she told me she "would have to let me know" because she doesn't know what's going on with her daughter's family.

I'm tired of always making plans around my sister-in-law! Why doesn't our family get equal recognition? Right now I feel like saying "Forget it! Let's just stay home instead!" What do you think we should do?

— Laurie

Dear Laurie:

I empathize with your dilemma. It's tough to feel like your family comes in "second place" with your in-laws. Blood really is thicker than water, and in your mother-in-laws eyes, you may always play second fiddle to her own daughter.

I believe your husband needs to have a chat with his mom and dad and let them know how the two of you have been feeling. This may be tough for him, especially if he isn't comfortable confronting his own parents. But it is his responsibility to hash this out with them, not yours.

I don't know what you decided to do about Thanksgiving this year, but I believe you and your husband need to set some firm boundaries with his folks regarding all future holiday plans.

When discussing dates with his mom, the two of you should say something like this: "Mom, we'd really love to spend Thanksgiving with you this year. We'd like to make our travel plans and purchase tickets by the first of September, so can you let us know by then."

If she says she can't commit because she doesn't know what her daughter will be doing for the holiday, you might say, "Well, if you would, please let us know what you'd like to do by the first of September or we'll need to make other plans." Then stick to your guns — if she can't commit to you by the deadline, make other plans. If she plays the martyr and acts hurt when you tell her you can't come, don't buy into her manipulation. Tell her you're sorry she's disappointed, but that you'd love to get together with her soon.

It shouldn't take her long to get the message. If she leaves your family hanging at holiday time because she's hoping for a "better offer" from her daughter, she'll simply lose out on seeing you and your kids.

By the way, let me recommend an excellent book that you and your husband may find helpful. It's called Loving Your Relatives Even When You Don't See Eye to Eye by David and Claudia Arp.

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