Precautions for Online Dating

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm in my mid-20s and have developed a friendship with a young woman I met online. She lives in another state and we've talked quite a bit on the phone since then. We've both expressed an interest in exploring this relationship further. But we've never met in person. Do you have any advice on how we should proceed?

— Chad

Dear Chad:

Meeting someone online can turn out to be a wonderful experience. I have several friends who met their spouse through an online dating service. At the same time, there are pitfalls to online dating that you need to be aware of.

First of all, people have a tendency to put there "best foot forward" on the internet. They can carefully manage their image, telling you only the positive about themselves. Some online daters will even post photos of themselves that have been retouched or don't reflect what they truly look like in person.

Also, when a relationship has been limited to e-mail, texting, and phone conversations, you don't have an opportunity to observe a potential dating partner in a real-life setting or observe their facial expressions or body language — the "non-verbal" cues that are crucial to authentic communication.

If you decide to meet this woman in person, here's what I would suggest. Schedule your initial meeting at a neutral location in one of your respective towns, such as a casual restaurant or coffee shop. Agree ahead of time to limit the amount of time you spend together at that first meeting — perhaps two hours.

Make sure there are no expectations — on either side — and agree to follow up via phone the next day. That will give each of you the option to gracefully "bow out" if the initial meeting doesn't go as well as expected. This will take the pressure off both of you and lessen the chance for hurt feelings.

If that first date goes well, continue to develop your friendship on the phone and schedule a second trip. During this second visit, let the woman know that you would like to meet a few of her close friends and perhaps even attend her church with her.

Meeting her friends and watching her interact with others at her church will give you a much clearer picture of who this woman really is. Also, if she tells you she doesn't have any close friends or isn't plugged in to a church, that should raise some major red flags in your mind.

Finally, make sure you are making this relationship a matter of regular prayer. Ask God to show you if this woman is someone He would have you pursue. Also, pray for wisdom to discern if she has the character qualities and moral values that would make her a good match.

An excellent book you might want to read before you pursue this relationship any further is Safe People by Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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