My Son is Starting to Display Obnoxious Behavior

Dear Dr. Bill:

We've barely begun a new school year and I've already gotten two calls from our 11-year-old son's teacher. The first time, she told us he wouldn't stop tapping the desk with his pencil, pretending that he's playing the drums. And the second time, he kicked another boy's pencil out into the hallway. My son is generally a good kid but he's starting to show signs of obnoxiousness. What do you suggest we do? We've already taken away his skateboard and TV privileges — is it time for a spanking?

— Lisa

Dear Lisa:

You mention that your son is "generally a good kid." Are you saying that this is the first time he's displayed this type of behavior in school? If so, then it's likely that there is something going on in his life that is prompting his acting out in the classroom.

Have there been any significant changes or stresses in his life in recent months? For example, has your son suffered some kind of loss or have you and your husband been experiencing marital conflict? Unexpressed feelings of sadness or anger could explain why a previously well-behaved child would suddenly begin to exhibit behavior such as you mention. It's also possible that his behavior is a cry for attention, perhaps because he's not receiving enough of your time or attention at home.

On the other hand, if your son has been in trouble at school before, and this is simply a continuation of a previous pattern, then you've got a much bigger fish to fry.

Some parents have a hard time admitting that their child has behavior problems, and it's not until outside authority figures begin to complain that they begin to see the truth about their child's character flaws.

If this is the case in your family, you are going to need to start parenting very differently. You asked about spanking — generally, spanking is most effective when used with much younger children. If you've never spanked your son in the past, it's not likely to make a positive difference now.

The best strategy moving forward is to provide your son with a healthy balance of love and limits. In order to be effective, those limits will need to include consequences that truly mean something to your son, consistently applied over a period of time.

You'll also need to partner with your son's teacher, approaching her as an ally, rather than an adversary. Work with her to set up a system of rewards and punishments, so that your son knows there will be unpleasant consequences at home when he misbehaves in the classroom.

Also, I'd suggest you contact us here at Focus on the Family and order Dr. James Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline. It will provide you with the sound guidance and practical steps you'll need to take in order to be more effective, pro-active parents. You can call Focus at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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