Adult Child Dealing with Father's Constant Criticism

Dear Dr. Bill:

I am 34-years-old, the mother of three children and the wife of a wonderful husband. But I struggle with the critical spirit of my father. He's a very strong Christian and I can never please him. Family visits are always tense because he expects everyone to talk about our Christian faith all the time. He's quick to correct me about my failings and past mistakes, and is constantly criticizing me for not living up to his standards — so much so that I feel reduced to a 12-year-old!

My father generally dismisses my point of view about anything because he believes he knows better. So I don't even know how to talk to him about this issue. It's gotten so bad that every visit depresses me. What do you think I should do about this?

— Barbara

Dear Barbara:

Authentic Christianity involves a balance between truth and grace. It sounds like your dad has the "truth" part mastered, but that he is greatly lacking in the "grace" department. You may recall that Jesus reserved his harshest criticism for those who wore their religion on their sleeve, but failed to demonstrate grace, mercy and humility.

Although the bible commands us to "honor our father and mother," we are not called to willingly suffer verbal abuse at the hands of our parents. Your father is unlikely to change. Therefore, the only thing you can do is to choose how you respond to him.

I'd suggest two things. First, commit the situation to prayer, and even though it may be difficult, try to develop some empathy for your father. Consider what it is about his own background that causes him to act the way he does. My guess is that he grew up with harsh, unloving parents himself, and his faith is based on legalistic obedience rather than a grateful response to God for sacrificing His only Son for your father's sin.

Second, I'd suggest that you set up a time to meet with your mom and dad, away from your children. Share with your father how he much he has hurt you and continues to hurt you. This will take a tremendous amount of courage on your part. Since you mention that your husband is very supportive, you may want to have him accompany you when you meet with your parents.

Start the conversation by letting your father know that you love him and appreciate all that he has done for you. Affirm him for his commitment to righteousness and to living a godly life. Then tell him honestly how much his criticism hurts you and makes you feel like a child. Let him know that unless he can learn to respond differently to you, you won't be visiting him and your mother as often. Tell him that when you do visit, your family will leave if he becomes verbally abusive toward you or your children.

It's hard to say just how your father will respond. Although your hope would be that he will respond to your pain and apologize, it's just as likely that he will react defensively and attack you even more. If that happens, I'd suggest that you and husband leave immediately. At that point you will need to assess when and if you will visit him again.

Barbara, let me recommend a book that I know you will find helpful. It's called Handling Difficult People by Christian psychologist John Townsend. You can find it through most online booksellers.

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