Behavioral Changes as Child Enters Teens

Dear Dr. Bill:

My daughter recently hit the teen years and I've seen a notable difference in her. Before, she was a ball of sunshine and very obedient. In fact, I've rarely had to punish her because she's always been such a sensitive and caring child. But lately she's started lying about small, insignificant things, and tried to get away with things she knows she ought not to be doing. Nothing huge, of course, but the pattern concerns me.

How should I respond to this? My daughter is very quick to ask for forgiveness through sincere tears, so I don't want to over-punish her and break her sensitive heart. My husband and I are intentional about modeling a godly life for her, and I want to show her mercy while still teaching the lessons she needs to learn. What I don't want is to see her spinning into teen darkness and despair, never to reemerge as the bright, sunny girl I used to know! What do you suggest we do?

— Kara

Dear Kara:

When a child enters the teen years, they begin to pull away from their parents somewhat and connect more closely with their peers. They also begin to assert their own individuality and personal preferences. This is a normal process called separation and individuation, and it prepares a child to enter adulthood.

Sometimes this process can involve acts of disobedience or defiance, especially if mom and dad have a parenting style that tends to be more strict and authoritarian. I don't know if that's the case in your home, but if it is, I would encourage you to consider the wise words of Christian youth expert Josh McDowell: "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion."

Naturally you need to implement consequences when your daughter lies, but more importantly, you need to determine what is behind her lies. You mention that the lies are over small, insignificant things, which begs the question — what is prompting her to engage in these minor acts of deception? Is she simply trying to establish her own identity and separate a bit from you?

Frankly, I'm more concerned about your fear that your daughter will "spin into darkness and despair." The teenage years can be very turbulent emotionally, what with physical changes, hormonal influences and peer pressure. But if you believe your daughter might be exhibiting symptoms of depression, I would encourage you to talk to your family physician or a Christian therapist. Research indicates that a significant percentage of young people will experience clinical depression at some point during the teen years.

I'd suggest you contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family, and talk to one of our caring Christian therapists. They will gather more information about your daughter and recommend some specific steps you can take. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

Also, I'd like to recommend an excellent book written by my friend Dr. John Townsend. It's titled Boundaries With Teens. I'd encourage you and your husband to read it together. I know you'll find it helpful.

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