Teen Daughter Threatening Suicide

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 13-year-old daughter is going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now. Normally she's a good student, but she's struggling in school and has had terrible fights with her friends. One reason is that after 11 years of separation, my husband divorced me last month and now plans to marry his live-in girlfriend. My daughter hates this girlfriend but feels like her father will only get mad if she says anything about it. She's also conflicted because my ex is very critical of me in her presence.

Worst of all, my daughter recently confessed to thoughts about suicide. But if I tell her father about it, he's likely to blame me, since he doesn't see any evidence of her troubles. And he's hostile to the idea of letting her talk to any kind of counselor. My daughter knows she is loved by both of her parents, but she needs the kind of help I can't give her. And her father's anger toward me is affecting our daughter more than he or she realizes. What do you suggest we do?

— Pam

Dear Pam:

It's obvious that your daughter is really struggling. Any time a teen talks about taking their own life, parents need to take it very, very seriously. Bringing up suicide could be simply a "cry for help," but you never want to take chances.

You mentioned that your husband doesn't see any evidence of her troubles. It may be that he's so busy with his own life and his new girlfriend that he's completely oblivious to your daughter's needs. Or it could be that she simply doesn't feel safe talking to him about her struggles.

I'd suggest that you calmly share the facts with your husband, without blaming him for your daughter's problems. Let him know about the academic issues, the fights with her friends and her talk of suicide.

Tell him that you would like to schedule an appointment for all three of you to see a family therapist. If he balks at that idea, simply inform him that you and your daughter will be seeing the therapist with or without him — it's his choice as to whether he wants to participate. Then make an appointment as soon as possible.

In the meantime, sit down with your daughter when she is in a calm mood and reaffirm your love for her. Let her know that you understand what a difficult time this is for her, and that you are very concerned that she's been talking about killing herself.

Explain to her that although right now it may seem like her life will never get better, suicide is a permanent solution — the worst possible solution — to a temporary problem. Tell her that if she ever reaches the point where she is seriously contemplating taking her own life, you want her to agree to call you immediately.

Here at Focus on the Family we have caring counselors that would be glad to talk to you and your daughter over the phone. Let her know that if she feels more comfortable talking to a counselor alone, that's okay with you. Our counseling department can also provide you with a referral to a licensed Christian therapist in your community. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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