Teen's Sports Team is Cliquish

Dear Dr. Bill:

My daughter just joined the volleyball team at her middle school. The team has a total of 12 girls, and 11 of the girls are all friends. My daughter has not been part of this group before. She was the last one picked for the team, and the other girls are not warming up to her.

Do you have any suggestions about what we should do about this? I've told my daughter to be positive and offer compliments, and in time, she'll make some friends on the team. But I'll admit this situation is hard on both her and me, because I struggled with feeling left out in junior high and high school, and my heart breaks for her.

— Lisa

Dear Lisa:

As you know from your own experience, the middle school years can be incredibly difficult for kids. For the first time, your daughter is experiencing the power of the "clique," and how painful it feels to be left out.

I wish I could offer you a magic formula to fix things, but unfortunately there is none. What your daughter is going through is simply part of living in a fallen world, and the fact is, there will be many more painful life experiences ahead.

Given that this situation involves a sports team, perhaps the most effective thing your daughter can do is to become the best volleyball player she can be. The more she can contribute to the team's success, the more the other girls are likely to accept her. This may require some additional skills training outside of regular practice time. You might ask her coach if she can recommend an adult or an older girl who would be willing to work individually with your daughter on her game.

As your daughter's volleyball skills improve, it's also important that she doesn't "hog the ball" or act superior to the other girls in any way. Your recommendation to compliment her fellow team members is a good one, as long as she doesn't come across as disingenuous with her praise. If the other girls view her as needy or as "kissing up," that could backfire on her.

In addition, she might initiate some one-on-one activities with a few of other girls away from the volleyball court. My guess is, she will soon get a sense for which girls on the team might be more approachable and friendly — those are the girls she should initiate with.

Finally, it's important that your daughter have a few close friendships outside of the team. At her age, she should be involved in a strong church youth group — one that emphasizes discipleship and character development rather than simply fun and games.

If your family attends a small church without a strong youth program, you may want to consider finding a church in your area that has one. The middle school years are vital to a child's emotional and spiritual development, so involvement in a healthy, thriving youth group is crucial during this time of life.

Thanks for writing, Lisa.

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