Marital Separation at Christmas

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have been separated for 4 months now. But he recently asked me to join him and our children at his mom and dad's house on Christmas morning. He said he wants me to come because he wants to be there next year when it's my turn to have the kids on Christmas morning. Although I would love to see my girls open their presents, I'm afraid this will send mixed messages to them about the marriage problems they know we are experiencing. What do you think is the right choice for my children?

— Kathy

Dear Kathy:

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and that you're dealing with this difficult decision at Christmas time. I'll be honest — in my opinion, the most helpful thing you can do for your girls is to work out your marital problems with your husband and get back together. You didn't mention the nature of the conflict, but unless it involves abuse, addiction or dangerous behavior, separation is not the answer.

The vast majority of divorces today are what psychologists refer to as "low-conflict" divorces. In other words, the couple isn't involved in angry, knock-down, drag-out fights; they simply report that they "fell out of love" or that their partner was no longer "meeting their needs."

Unless there's an issue like addiction or abuse involved, separation typically doesn't help a couple. The vast majority of separations actually lead to divorce. That's because when a couple separates, they've got "one foot out the door" of their relationship. The level of commitment takes a big hit, which makes getting a divorce that much easier.

On the other hand if a couple who is having marital problems sticks it out, they often find that their problems work themselves out over time. Research shows that the majority of couples who make the decision to stay together and work on their conflict report that their marriage is "much happier" three years later. Many of these couples stayed together for the sake of their kids, and in hindsight, they say they are very thankful they didn't get divorced.

So, again, unless your husband has been abusive or is involved in some type of dangerous or addictive behavior, I'd encourage you to spend Christmas with him at your in-laws house. Let your daughters know that you and daddy are trying to work things out, but be honest that you don't know what the future holds.

Kathy, your e-mail didn't say anything about marital counseling. If you and your husband haven't seen a counselor to work on your issues, make an appointment with one this week. You can call our counseling department here at Focus on the Family for a referral to a licensed Christian counselor in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

I pray that you and your girls have a wonderful Christmas, and that God will open the door to reconciliation with your husband.

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