Toddler Discipline

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have 11-month-old twins who are generally good babies. But my son continually is pulling his sister's hair and even biting her. I have told him "no" over and over again, and I've even given him a light spank on his legs. He never cries but simply stares at me. I know he understands what I'm saying because other times when I say "no," he'll stop whatever he's been doing. My son has also started tantrums, where he gives this little grunt and squeal whenever he is frustrated. What do you suggest we do?

— Amanda

Dear Amanda:

Some of the behaviors you are describing are a bit unusual. I don't want to alarm you, but they could be signs of a developmental disorder such as autism. I'd recommend that you have your son evaluated by his pediatrician immediately.

Describe the behaviors that you are observing and tell the physician how your son responds when you attempt to intervene. If your doctor believes that your son is suffering from some type of developmental disorder, he or she will refer you to a specialist who can do a complete assessment and recommend treatment options.

If your pediatrician gives your son a clean bill of health and tells you his behavior isn't abnormal but simply annoying, you'll need to try other forms of intervention.

You mentioned that you give your son a "light spank" when he hurts his sister. You should know that you should never, ever spank a baby. With a child his age, the most effective form of intervention is a time-out.

I often recommend to parents of toddlers that they use a "Pak n' Play" playpen as a time-out location. When your son acts aggressively toward his sister, tell him "no" as you've been doing, but then immediately remove him from the situation and place him in the Pak n' Play.

Make sure it's located far enough from the action to be boring, but close enough to monitor your son. Given the short attention span of a young child, a good rule of thumb is one minute of time-out for each year of age.

Your son will likely scream and throw a tantrum at being placed in time-out, but don't give in to the temptation to pick him up until he's "served his time." Also, don't continue to nag or scold him for his misbehavior — that will simply reinforce him by providing him with your attention. Instead, ignore him until the time-out is over.

If his strong-willed behavior persists, you may want to order the book The New Strong-Willed Child by my colleague Dr. James Dobson. You can learn more about the book by calling Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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