Harsh Discipline

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I disagree about how to discipline our 4-year-old son, Jimmy. We both believe in appropriate spanking and being firm. However, I think my husband can be too firm and even harsh at times. Recently we were at my in-laws for dinner, and Jimmy was exhausted from a very active day. Although he had already eaten, my father-in-law insisted that Jimmy sit at the table with us. When Jimmy rested his head on the table, my father-in-law thought that was rude and grabbed his hair to pull his head up from the table. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. When I confronted my husband about it later, he said that was normal discipline for him growing up.

I strongly disagree and feel this kind of thing can be very damaging to Jimmy's spirit. Since that event, I've reflected on other troubling encounters between my husband and our son. For example, my husband has been very critical — using words like stupid, boring and even saying "One of these days I'm going to give you something to cry about." I fear such comments are mental and emotional abuse and will damage their close relationship. Jimmy is strong-willed and our only child, but he's usually very cooperative. How do you think I should handle this situation?

— Laura

Dear Laura:

Your husband's harsh, punitive parenting style is going to have long-term negative consequences for your son. It's also counterproductive; rather than raising a respectful, responsible child, the ultimate outcome will be a child who is frustrated, angry and rebellious. Based on your description of your father-in-law's behavior, your husband was likely abused as a child. Now it sounds like he is repeating the same pattern with his own son.

You didn't mention whether or not your husband is a Christian, but the Bible has some vital things to say about the way we parent our kids. In addition to stressing the importance of discipline, guidance and training, scripture also gives us clear warnings about harsh, punitive parenting. Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." And Colossians 3:21 tells us, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."

I suggest you have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with your husband about this matter. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have some time alone, away from your son.

Let you husband know that you love him and want to support him, but that you're very concerned about his anger and harsh parenting. Tell him you believe he is emotionally abusing your son and that this is breaking your heart. Ask him if he would consider reviewing a balanced, biblically-based parenting curriculum as a couple and then implementing the methods taught in the program in your own home.

Along those lines, Focus on the Family offers a great DVD series called The Essentials of Discipline, featuring the classic parenting wisdom of Dr. James Dobson. You can learn more about the DVDs by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

Hopefully your husband will be open to your input, especially if you deliver the message with respect and love. If he becomes angry or responds defensively to your suggestions, then you may need to seek the assistance of a pastoral counselor or family therapist. Our counseling department at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local community. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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