My Non-Christian Husband Is Addicted to Porn

Dear Dr. Bill:

I am a Christian woman who is struggling in her marriage to a non-Christian. I wasn't aware of my husband's addiction to pornography until after we were married. I've told him many times that I feel terrible when he watches it because it feels like he's cheating on me. My husband has lied about this and made many promises to stop, but he's never really given it up. He's even tried to get me to watch porn with him a couple of times, but I felt so dirty and hated it.

In the past, I've warned my husband that I will not sleep with him until he stopped this behavior, but that only made him angry. He doesn't see this as a lust issue, nor does he feel sorry about it at all. He thinks I'm foolish and a "holy roller" because I disapprove. Now he wants to compromise by saying he won't watch porn on his own if I'm willing to watch it with him sometimes. Even my parents have encouraged me to compromise "for the sake of our marriage." What do you think?

— "Confused"

Dear Friend:

My heart breaks for you and the situation you're in. Your e-mail illustrates the two prevailing views of pornography in today's world. One view, held by your husband and by some so-called "experts," is that pornography isn't harmful and that it can actually enhance a couple's sexual relationship.

A completely different view of pornography is based on a biblical perspective of human sexuality. That view would see pornography as a violation of the marriage covenant and the equivalent of committing adultery. Your husband's desire to use it in the bedroom is basically his way of saying he wants to have multiple sex partners at the same time.

Pornography is also addictive. Those who use it become dependent on it. Like any drug, the addict eventually needs more and more porn to achieve the same "high." Many users gravitate to hard core erotic material and even violent porn.

I would encourage you to seek out a Christian therapist who specializes in this field. Since your husband refuses to admit he has a problem, you may need to see the counselor on your own for a while. The therapist can help you see the situation clearly, and help you develop the strength and courage you'll need to make significant changes in your marriage.

Unless you take bold action, nothing is going to change. Dr. James Dobson talks about this at length in his book Love Must Be Tough. This book — which you can request by calling us at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459) — will walk you through the steps you'll need to take, starting with giving your husband a clear ultimatum. Either he acknowledges he has a serious addiction and gets professional help, or you will be leaving.

I'm not suggesting divorce — rather a deliberate time of separation that will force your husband to wake up and see that he risks losing everything he holds dear. And you'll need to set a clear deadline — a specific date in the very near future.

Since your parents don't see a problem with your husband's behavior, you'll need the support of your church community. If you haven't consulted with your pastor about this situation, I'd encourage you to do so.

Focus on the Family's counseling department is also here to help. One of our compassionate Christian therapists will be glad to talk to you and refer you to an experienced counselor in your local area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

We also have a Web site called Pure Intimacy which is dedicated to sexual addiction issues. Visit the site at www.pureintimacy.org.

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