Young Son Exposed to Internet Porn

Dear Dr. Bill:

For several days, my husband and I noticed that our 10-year-old son was behaving strangely. He seemed upset, and I finally convinced him to tell me what was wrong. He said that while he was at a friend's house, the boy, who is the same age as our son, showed him some "bad pictures" of women on the internet.

I have two questions about how we should respond to this. First, I've already assured my son that God still loves him despite what happened. But should we talk about it anymore? My son was relieved to get this off his chest, and he said he was trying to "erase" the pictures from his mind. But he soon became uncomfortable talking about it.

And secondly, how should we confront this other family? My son tells me this other boy has a computer in his room and there are apparently no parental controls. We've known and trusted this family for many years. I don't want to stir up problems, and my son is afraid the other boy will be mad at him. But I feel something must be said to them. What do you think?

— Paula

Dear Paula:

At Focus on the Family, we are hearing more and more stories like yours. Because of the pervasiveness of internet porn, it's very difficult to guarantee that our kids won't be exposed to it in some fashion.

You did the right thing by focusing on God's grace in this situation. Reassure your son that you don't condemn him either, and that you know he didn't plan to look at the internet porn and probably didn't even understand what his friend was showing him.

Although your son won't be able to "erase" the images he saw online, it's unlikely that this single exposure to pornography will have a severe negative impact on him. However, you may want to discuss with him that even though he may have found the images intriguing and even exciting, viewing pornography on a regular basis will give him false and destructive messages about sex and relationships. These messages can interfere with healthy marital intimacy later in life.

I do think it's important for you to talk to the other boy's parents about this matter. Do it privately, couple to couple, and let them know that you would prefer that they don't bring your son into the matter, in order to protect his relationship with their son. But they need to know that their son has been accessing porn and that your son was exposed to it in their home.

Given your description of them, my guess is they will be just as shocked as you about what occurred. But if for some reason they are defensive and deny any responsibility, you'll need to tell them that you won't be allowing your son to play at their home any more.

Hopefully you've been teaching your son about God's perspective on sexuality since he was little. But if you haven't, this current crisis demonstrates how critical it is for him to have accurate, biblically sound information about males and females, his own body, and sexuality.

A great place to find that information is a book co-authored by Focus on the Family's Linda Klepacki. It's titled How to Talk to Your Kids About Sexuality, and you can learn more about it in our online Resource Center.

You should also be teaching your son about making responsible choices. Help him to understand that each decision he makes has consequences, and that there are times when he may need to say "no" when offered things that may not be good for him.

Thanks for writing, Paula. If you have any more questions, feel free to contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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