Should I Let My Teen Daughter Date?

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 16-year-old daughter wants to have a boyfriend. There are three different boys she likes, and they all seem to like her. All three are nice boys who come from Christian homes, and she's attended different events with each one. She also spends time "IM-ing" [instant messaging] with them on the computer.

These boys don't know each other well, and my daughter says she'd like to date one for a while, then quit and date another. Personally, I don't think "dating and dumping" is the right way to go, but would rather see her go out with whomever of these three happens to ask. And I told her I didn't think she should commit to any one boy at this age.

My daughter really doesn't want to hurt anyone, but she's afraid somebody's feelings will get hurt no matter what, and she's afraid it will be her. What do you think about exclusive dating, and how does my daughter explain that she wants to date one and not the others?

— Deb

Dear Deb:

Christian parents tend to fall into two main camps when it comes to teen dating. Some believe dating is NEVER appropriate, and encourage their children to follow author Josh Harris' "courtship" formula. Others believe that dating can be a positive experience for teens, provided they are mature enough and that the parents know and trust their dating partner.

Today's dating scene is dramatically different from the way it was when the majority of today's parents were kids. Sexual promiscuity is rampant, even among Christian kids, and many teens receive little or no moral guidance from their parents. Binge drinking, dating violence and even date rape are far too common.

Given that environment, I don't believe 16-year-olds should be dating. There are simply too many bad things that can happen. Instead, these teens should be encouraged to go out on group dates with Christian friends who share their values. But even then, parents should know the other kids in the group AND their parents.

Some parents may feel comfortable allowing a mature, responsible 17- or 18-year old to go out on individual dates. But again, I believe it's critical for them to know their child's dating partner and his or her parents well. And bear in mind that even though an 18-year-old may LEGALLY be an adult, many 18-year-olds haven't developed the maturity to be dating individually.

If an older teen displays maturity, common sense and sound moral judgment, dating can play an important role in their development. It can teach them how to relate to the opposite sex in a healthy way, and to learn to look for the character qualities that are truly important in a marriage relationship.

Deb, my advice would be to let your daughter know that you believe she is too young to engage in individual dating and romantic relationships. Instead, encourage her to get to know these boys as friends in a group setting, such as a church youth group.

Tell her you will revisit the dating issue with her when she turns 17, and IF she is displaying the necessary maturity, you will consider allowing her to date. If she develops non-romantic friendships will all three guys, chances are she will have "narrowed it down" to one of them by then. Or she may have met an entirely new guy who she'd like to pursue romantically.

By the way, an excellent book on this topic is Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can order the book from us here at Focus on the Family by calling 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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