Is My Young Son Experiencing Gender Confusion?

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 5-year-old son is very artistic and loves to draw. But he usually draws girls and hearts. His favorite toys are unisex, and he rarely plays with toys that other boys seem to like. The only reason he doesn't play with dolls is because he knows I disapprove.

At school, he prefers spending time with girls rather than boys his age, and I have to make special arrangements for him to play with another boy. This odd behavior began when my son was 3 and I worry that kids will start teasing him about it. I've read some books about "preventing homosexuality" and they've made me fearful about what might happen to him.

My husband has a good relationship with our son, though he is mellow and gives in more easily. Also, he works long hours and doesn't have much time to spend with him except on the weekends. Is this just a phase, or should I be concerned about my son?

— Lydia

Dear Lydia:

The research shows that children who engage in behavior that is "atypical" for their gender have a higher likelihood of identifying as homosexual later in life. But that's not set in stone. There are some specific actions you can take now to help your son become more comfortable with his own masculinity.

My first bit of advice would be to encourage your husband to take a much more active, involved role in your son's life. Your son needs to develop a warm, close bond with his dad — and the responsibility for that falls upon your husband. He needs to make quality AND quantity time with your son a priority, and that will mean cutting back on the time he spends at the office.

Your husband should also meet your son "where he's at," which means finding activities that they can enjoy together. Since your son likes art, perhaps your husband could spend time drawing with him each evening. He might also go to the library with him, check out some children's books on the great artists, and then read them together. You might even check with local art stores or museums to find out if they offer Saturday art classes that parents and children can participate in together.

You mentioned that your husband is "mellow." I'm assuming by that you mean he isn't particularly assertive or expressive. If he isn't comfortable expressing affection physically or verbally, it probably stems from the way he was brought up. He may need some "coaching" in this area — perhaps he could consult with your pastor or a professional counselor about this issue.

As for other actions you can take, I think you are wise to be setting up play dates with boys his age. Since it sounds like your son is more on the "sensitive" side, it's probably not a good idea for you to invite over boys who are highly aggressive or have a mean streak. Instead, look for boys who are friendly, creative and energetic, and who can engage your son in more "masculine" activities in a fun way.

Also, encourage your son's teacher to match him up with boys who have these qualities — perhaps in group projects or as "line buddies." You might also check with your local YMCA about activities or sports that your son might sign up for, exposing him to additional male role models. Youth soccer is always a good choice.

If these efforts don't seem to work and you find that your son begins to express sorrow or sadness about being "different" from other boys, then I would encourage you to seek professional help. Our counseling department here at Focus on the Family can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.

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