The Boy Next Door is Bullying My Son

Dear Dr. Bill:

We've been living in our home for 8 years and have three small children. Recently, our oldest son and the neighbor boy next door — both are age 6 — have been fighting a lot. This neighbor routinely comes over to our house without an invitation and gets mad if my son Jeremy can't play with him. But if Jeremy tries to play with the neighbor boy and his friends, he's often yelled at and rejected. This neighbor has already pushed my son off the bus and hit him with a plastic bat — and then lied about it. And the last time the boys got into a fight, the father next door yelled at my son and told him to never come over again. The father also refused to hear our side of the story.

Since then we've kept our kids away from the neighbor's yard, but their kids still come over to ours. This situation has really upset our family — to the point that I've been driving Jeremy to school because he doesn't want to be near the other boy. But I don't know what else we can do.

— Mimi

Dear Mimi:

I completely understand your dilemma. You can choose your friends, but in most cases, you can't choose your neighbors. You want to get along with these folks, but their child's behavior is negatively impacting Jeremy, and you need to nip it in the bud.

I'd suggest you and your husband call the boy's parents and tell them you'd like to sit down over coffee and discuss some of the recent conflict between their boy and your son. If they are willing to do this, approach the conversation with gentleness and respect, and explain that there have been some recent incidents involving their son and yours that you are concerned about. Don't make accusations, but simply share your version of what has occurred. Then ask them for their perspective.

If they respond defensively and refuse to take any responsibility for their son's behavior, politely but firmly tell them that you don't want their son coming over to your house anymore. Also, let them know that if their son acts aggressively toward Jeremy on the bus or at school, you will report the incident to the school principal.

If you decide to take this action, you'll need to talk to Jeremy and let him know that you don't want him playing with the neighbor boy anymore. Explain that some kids behave nicely and some don't, and that you think it would be better for him to spend time with some of his other friends.

Let Jeremy know that God wants us to treat everyone with kindness and respect, and that he should continue to be nice to the neighbor boy when he sees him in the neighborhood or at school. But also tell him that if the boy is mean to him in any way, you want him to let you know right away.

Let me recommend an excellent book that may help you deal with these neighbors in a constructive way. It's called Who's Pushing Your Buttons, and it's written by my friend Dr. John Townsend. You can find the book through most online booksellers.

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