My Husband Wants to Bring Porn Into Our Marriage

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband is a great man, and we have a great relationship — except for one thing. He's recently been asking me about bringing pornography into our marriage bed. Now we don't have any intimacy issues and he doesn't view porn because he knows it hurts me. But my husband sees no problem with viewing it, or making jokes about looking at "hot women" or even admitting that he'd like to have sex with them!

I understand that men are visual and face temptation everyday, but part of me always hoped that my husband was not affected by it. I really don't know how to respond to him since this whole thing really upsets me. I've tried to act like it's no big deal, but it hurts. I love my husband so much. What do you suggest I do?

— Michelle

Dear Michelle:

I have to admit that I'm very troubled by your e-mail. You mention your husband is a great man and that you have a great relationship, but your description of his behavior doesn't match up with that.

His comments about looking at "hot women" and wanting to have sex with them are offensive. It completely disrespects you, ignores your feelings, and in my opinion, it is equivalent to committing adultery.

Pornography completely undermines the covenant of marriage. Your husband's desire to use it in the bedroom is basically his way of saying he wants to have multiple sex partners at the same time.

Pornography is also addictive. Those who use it become dependent on "other partners" in magazines or videos in order to become aroused. Like any drug, the addict eventually needs more and more porn to achieve the same "high." Many users gravitate to hard core erotic material and even violent porn.

I'm assuming from your e-mail that your husband isn't a Christian, but in the event that he is, you need to consult with your pastor about this issue as soon as possible. If you and your husband aren't Christians, I'd encourage you to learn about God's design and intent for sexuality. A great place to start is Focus on the Family's special Web site dedicated to this issue, www.PureIntimacy.org.

I'd encourage you to contact Focus on the Family's counseling department to discuss this issue further. They can also refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your local area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.

If your husband refuses to get help for his pornography addiction, I'd suggest you read Dr. Dobson's excellent book Love Must Be Tough. It will help you develop the strength and courage to deal with this issue head-on. You can find this item in our online Resource Center.

Thanks for writing, Michelle. I pray that you will take the steps necessary to help your husband and your marriage.