Marriage Impacted by Premarital Sex

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and in the beginning, we were madly in love with one another. But one problem keeps interfering with our relationship.

You see, we were engaged about 8 months after we met and then I became pregnant 3 months before the wedding. We really meant to abstain from sex during that time, but we gave in to one night of passion and that's all it took. Ever since then, we've been dealing with the guilt of this mistake. We've never told anyone, but it's always been an uncomfortable area in our relationship, especially when we think of our first child's birthday or our anniversary.

My husband and I both want our marriage and family to succeed. Do you have any advice for us?

— Renya

Dear Renya:

In today's world, many so-called "experts" deny that there are moral or spiritual ramifications to premarital sex. But it's obvious from your e-mail that those "experts" have it all wrong.

God's created intent for human sexuality is very clear. It is a wonderful gift which brings men and women together emotionally and spiritually. But He designed that gift to be expressed in a life-long marital commitment. When we ignore His design, we often reap a harvest of pain and suffering.

That being said, it's just as important to remember that God offers us the wonderful gift of grace through the death of His Son Jesus Christ. When we confess our sins and express remorse to Him and to those we have wronged, God offers us complete and total forgiveness.

If you've truly repented of this sin to God and to each other, your continued struggle with guilt is misplaced. You may still feel remorse for your actions, something the Bible refers to as "Godly sorrow." But if you continue to wallow in guilt, it means that you don't truly believe that God can forgive you for you faults.

Also, the fact that these feelings of guilt are interfering with your marriage leads me to believe that one or both of you may still be harboring resentment over what occurred. That resentment will continue to eat away at your relationship until you work through it. It may also have negative consequences for your children.

I suggest you and your husband make an appointment with your pastor or a Christian counselor and discuss this issue. The counseling department here at Focus on the Family can refer you to a licensed Christian therapist in your area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.

I'd also like to recommend a book that you may find helpful. It's titled When You Can't Say I Forgive You by Grace Ketterman and David Hazard. You can learn more about the book when you contact Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY (1-800-232-6459).

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