Should My Stepdaughter Call Me "Mommy"?

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I got married last November, and we dated for 3-and-a-half years prior to the wedding. We both had 3-year-olds who are now 6- and 7-years-old.

Recently, my step-daughter started calling me "Mom." She also wrote things in her diary about "mommy and daddy are making dinner, mommy is reading," and so on. We know about this because she showed the diary to my husband. A few days later, she took the diary to her mother's house and let her read it as well.

Well, that led to BIG problems! My husband's ex-wife called us, crying and mad because we hadn't told her anything about it. We explained we were as shocked as she was, especially since this little girl had struggled with the new family arrangements. My husband's ex wants her daughter to use my first name only, but I'd prefer she call me "step-mom" or by some other name.

What complicates matters is that my son has started referring to my husband as "Dad" and now we're expecting a new baby ourselves! I guess we're all uncertain about what's best for the children. Do you have any advice?

— Donya

Dear Donya:

Your e-mail demonstrates just how difficult and complicated stepfamily relationships can be. No matter how our culture tries to sugarcoat it, divorce and remarriage is very tough on kids.

I asked stepfamily expert Ron Deal about your situation. Ron believes that the labels children use often indicate the level of emotional attachment they feel with stepfamily members. A stepparent who started off being referred to as "Sara, my dad's wife" may become "mom" in a few years.

Ron says that the labels children use aren't crucial to family success. What is important is that children are given the freedom to choose the labels with which they are most comfortable. In other words, don't force them to call a stepparent "mommy" but don't scold them for doing it either. A more affectionate label like "mommy" generally indicates that the child is growing more comfortable and trusting of the stepparent.

Ron says it's important to remember that labels can change with circumstances as children grow. A child who just returned from a weekend visitation with dad may refrain from calling his stepfather "dad" for a few days because he is missing his biological father. Once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns.

Another example is a child calling a stepparent "mom" unless their biological mom is physically in the room. A child may pull back in this situation and refer to the stepparent by their first name so they don't hurt the biological mom's feelings.

Very young children often use loving terms like "daddy" and "mommy" very quickly, but may refrain from that once they reach adolescence. The change in label demonstrates the challenge the child feels in deciding just how close to hold the stepparent and how to balance loyalties to biological parents.

Donya, Ron says that in an ideal situation, the children would be given permission to use whatever term they are comfortable with for their stepparent. Ultimately this permission must come from the biological parents. Since your stepdaughter's biological mom feels threatened by your stepdaughter calling you "mommy," the biological mom needs to be reassured that she can never be replaced in her daughter's heart, no matter what label her daughter uses. Biological parents have an incomparable God-given bond with their children that cannot be replaced.

If your stepdaughter's biological mom is unable or unwilling to give your stepdaughter permission to call you "mommy," your husband needs to make sure that your stepdaughter doesn't feel guilty about this. He should say something like, "Look, I know this puts you in a tight spot between your mom and your stepmother. Apparently your mom isn't comfortable with you calling Donya 'mommy.' I know this is tough for you. Whatever you want to do is okay with Donya and me. The most important thing is that we love you, not what you call us."

By the way, Ron has an excellent article about this issue on his Web site, www.successfulstepfamilies.com. It's titled "What to Call a Stepparent," and you can read it here.

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.