Toddler Bedtime Fears

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 2 1/2-year-old daughter has always slept in her own bed since the day she came from the hospital. After she transitioned to a full-sized bed, there were occasional nights when she'd try to sneak into our room, but I would immediately bring her back, reminding her that she's supposed to sleep in her own bed. But now she is suddenly throwing hysterical fits about going to bed.

The first night, I stood at her door while she cried for 2 hours before giving up. The second night, she was still awake after 2 1/2 hours of crying and banging on our locked door. The third night, I allowed her to fall asleep in my lap and then I put her to bed. But she woke up screaming for me and her daddy. The only reason last night's bedtime was different was because I held on to her hand until she fell asleep!

During the day, my daughter has not allowed me to leave her sight and she continually asks when her daddy is coming home from work. She really seems to be disturbed about something — and I'm at a loss what to do next. I have withheld cartoons, chocolate milk and sweet treats during the day, and when I ask my daughter why she can't have them, she replies: "Because I didn't sleep in my bed." But that's as far as it goes. Is this just a phase? What could cause my little girl to become so afraid all of a sudden?

— Melissa

Dear Melissa:

It's fairly common for toddlers to experience bedtime fears. Their little imaginations are developing like wildfire and they don't have the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality. In there mind, there really IS a monster in the closet or under the bed. Many young children also experience frequent nightmares or night terrors. My own daughter is 2 1/2 and lately she's been waking up crying in the night, sometimes hysterically.

My guess is that your daughter is simply going through a phase, and that she will outgrow it in time. Her imagination may be running wild and she might have had some nightmares that scared her.

Another possibility is that she's reacting to some kind of stress in her environment. Ask yourself if there have been any recent changes in her life or events that have occurred that might be stressful to her because she doesn't have the ability to understand them. These could include things such as a loss of a friend or a pet, the arrival of a new baby sibling, marital conflict between you and your husband, or even a new job for dad that's been stressing him out or requiring him to work longer hours.

If your daughter is fairly verbal for her age, ask her if she's been feeling worried or scared about anything lately. You could even encourage her to draw some pictures of anything that's been bothering her.

If nothing has changed in her world and she's simply going through a normal toddler phase, I'd encourage you to keep doing what you've been doing. From your description, you're providing her with plenty of love and support, as well as setting appropriate boundaries on her behavior.

Here are a few other ideas you might try. If your daughter doesn't have a night light in her room, buy her one. You could also pick out a stuffed animal that will be her special "bedtime buddy," providing her with comfort when you're not there. You might also buy an inexpensive CD player for her room and let her listen to some comforting lullabies or kids worship songs just before she falls asleep.

Perhaps most importantly, remind her that God loves her more than she could ever know, and that He promises us he will always be with us and take care of us. Pray with her each night when you tuck her in, and teach her pray simple prayers if she wakes up afraid in the night, asking God to help her to not be afraid.

Thanks for writing, Melissa. I pray that this phase will pass quickly, so that you and your husband can get some needed sleep. Trust me — with a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old and a new baby, I can relate!

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