My Teen Son and His Stepdad Don't Get Along

Dear Dr. Bill:

I remarried about 4 years ago and at first, everything seemed to be going well in our new family. Recently, though, my 15-year-old son has not been getting along with his stepdad, and I feel caught in the middle. My husband and son used to get along, but once my son became interested in girls and other things, they drifted apart. This has quickly turned into hostility and a few shouting matches back and forth. I don't what to do at this point.

How do I choose between these two men in my life? According to my wedding vows, we are supposed to forsake all others. Does this include my children? Please help.

— Lisa

Dear Lisa:

What you're describing is fairly common in stepfamilies. Conflict will often erupt between a child and a stepparent when the child enters adolescence. It's normal for kids to begin to assert more independence when they reach the teen years, and sometimes this will result in a period of rebellion. The process is much more complicated in stepfamilies, due to divided loyalties and confused roles.

I asked my friend Ron Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies, about your situation, and here's what he recommends. First, it's a mistake to think you need to "choose" between your husband and your son. Rather than framing this as an "either or" situation, you need to see this in terms of "both and." Instead of taking sides, try to rise above the conflict and help each of them to see the other's perspective.

In every stepfamily situation, Ron believes the husband and wife need to make their marriage a priority. Allowing parenting conflicts to tear your relationship apart is the worst thing you can do for your kids.

As parents, you need to act as a unified team. Clarify your expectations for your son, discuss the rules he'll be expected to follow, and agree on the consequences if he breaks those rules. Also, as the biological parent, you should take the lead when it comes to discipline. If you're always taking the "good cop" role with your son, you force your husband to always play the "bad cop." That arrangement is sure to drive a permanent wedge between your son and your husband.

I'd highly recommend you pick up Ron Deal's book The Smart Stepfamily. You and your husband should make a commitment to read it together and then implement Ron's advice. It also might be wise to seek the help of a therapist who specializes in stepfamily relationships. Our counseling department here at Focus on the Family can provide you with a referral in your local area. You can reach our counseling department Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (Mountain Time) at (719) 531-5181.

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