My Child Won't Sit Still in Church

Dear Dr. Bill:

Can you advise me about how to deal with my 4-year-old son who won't sit still in church? He seems to be extra wiggly then — irritating my husband and me, clowning around and almost disrupting the service for attention. This happens in almost all public places. I've tried talking to him about it repeatedly, but my son doesn't listen very well. For some reason he behaves differently in school or with other family members — it's almost like he's a different person when we're around. What should we do?

— Sakinah

Dear Sakinah:

I hate to break the news to you, but it's not realistic to expect a 4-year-old to sit still in church. Your son should be in a Sunday School class with kids his own age, where the teachers offer activities and lessons geared toward pre-schoolers.

One of the common mistakes parents make is placing unrealistic expectations on their young children. It's important to understand that at 4, your son isn't going to act like a grown-up and sit through a one-hour church service, especially if there is nothing in the service geared for kids.

You also mention that your son displays disruptive behavior in other settings, and that even though you've repeatedly talked to him about it, his behavior hasn't improved. Well, you can talk to him about it until your blue in the face, but the fact is that four-year-olds typically don't respond to logical discussions about their problem behavior. Instead, kids his age respond to action.

When I work with parents of pre-schoolers, one of the phrases I repeatedly stress is "act, don't yak." The only way to effectively train a child your son's age is to set clear limits and then enforce those limits with consequences.

You mentioned that he tends to behave more appropriately when he is at school or with other family members. My guess is that's because they are implementing consequences when he misbehaves, not trying to reason with him. It's also likely that they are providing him with positive attention and rewarding his good behavior.

I've explained how to effectively use consequences and rewards on the Weekend Magazine program in the past. If you go to our parenting Web site www.FocusOnYourChild.com, you can find helpful information about this topic. You also might want to consider ordering Dr. Dobson's parenting seminar on DVD, titled The Essentials of Discipline. Look for it in our online Resource Center.

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