Looking for Male Role Models

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm a single mom whose little girl is quickly approaching puberty! Under the circumstances, I feel I've done my best as her mother. But I know I can never be what she needs from a father figure. Do you have any suggestions about how I can find good, positive male role models for my daughter?

— Heidi

Dear Heidi:

You didn't mention if your daughter's dad is involved in her life, but it sounds like he's not. If that's the case, one of the best places to look is your own extended family. Does your daughter have a good relationship with your father, her maternal grandfather? If she does, and you believe he is a positive role model, I would ask your dad if he would be willing to commit more time and energy to his relationship with your daughter. If he agrees and lives nearby, you might encourage your daughter to spend one weekend a month with her grandparents. If Grandpa lives far away, you might consider allowing her to spend some of her school vacations at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Another place to turn is your church. If your daughter's own grandfather isn't available, you might ask your pastor if there is a trusted older couple in your church who might consider acting as "surrogate grandparents." It could be extremely valuable for your daughter to develop a positive relationship with a caring, wise older couple. She will benefit from her relationship with both the husband and the wife, and have a chance to see a positive marriage relationship modeled in front of her eyes.

Also, does your daughter have a male youth pastor who is married with a family of his own? If so, you might talk to him, let him know about your concerns, and ask if he and his wife would be open to including your daughter in some of their family activities.

Other options might include a trusted teacher or coach. Of course, you need to make sure you know these individuals well, screen their backgrounds carefully with the organizations they work for, and make sure you are comfortable their values.

A male teacher or coach should always include you, their spouse or another adult on any special outings or activities with your daughter. As sad as it may seem, the risk of sexual abuse is always present in our society, and you are ultimately responsible for your daughter's safety.

On the other hand, if you're willing to ask, I'm guessing you should be able to find at least one responsible, caring, older man who could make a wonderful role model for your daughter.

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