Seeking Attention — Positive or Negative

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm writing about my 6-year-old daughter, who's between our two special-needs children. Our eldest daughter, age 8, is autistic and our 5-year-old boy is severely delayed in his language. My middle child often feels like she needs to misbehave or cry over every little thing to get my attention — and I cannot figure out why. My husband and I are both very involved in each of our children's lives, and I make an extra effort to treat each child the same and do special things for them individually. So what should I be doing for my 6-year-old that I'm not already doing?

— Christine

Dear Christine:

It's not surprising that your daughter is seeking extra attention from you. Obviously your two special needs kids require a great deal of your time and attention, and she's probably feeling a little left out. She may be the type of child who would need more attention even if your other two kids didn't have disabilities. Unfortunately, she's turned to acting out to get your attention. For some kids, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

I would suggest you start making a concerted effort to "catch your daughter being good." When she cooperates, is helpful, or shows kindness to her brother and sister, make sure you praise her, and give her a smile and a hug. Be specific with your praise, such as "I really like the way you played quietly while I was talking on the telephone," or "Honey, I'm so proud of the way you read a book to your brother and helped him with his words!"

The other side of this equation is that you need to ignore her when she whines, complains, or begs. If you repeatedly scold, nag, or lecture her, you are giving her exactly what she wants, your undivided attention. When kids are acting out in order to get attention, I always tell parents, "Don't get mad, get boring." Eventually your daughter will learn that good behavior gets rewarded by praise and approval, while crying and whining gets her no attention at all. Of course if she does something aggressive or destructive, you'll need to put her in a time out or give her a negative consequence, but administer the consequence calmly, in a businesslike, matter of fact way. Remember that if you let her get you upset and you start yelling or lecturing, she's gotten exactly what she wanted…your attention.

Also, make sure you continue to do special activities with her individually, apart from the other kids. You can also let her know that you realize it can be tough to have a brother and sister who need extra attention, and that you appreciate it when she is extra caring and helpful with her siblings. I hope that helps, Christine — and thank you for writing.

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