Absentee Dad

Dear Dr. Bill:

My 4-year-old son has never seen his father. Joshua's dad left when I was 3 months pregnant and we haven't heard from him since. Joshua has asked about his father several times over the past year, and he's wondering why he doesn't live with us. When I explained that I wished his daddy could live with us, but he just can't, Joshua started crying terribly and said "I want to go to his house."

My heart is breaking for my wonderful gift from God. What do I tell this intelligent little boy about the father he may never see? How do I explain the situation to him without making him feel unloved, unwanted and insecure? Joshua knows he is loved, but he also knows there is a void in his life. He has my boyfriend, my father and his AWANA teacher as male role models — and all of these men are wonderful. But what do I tell him about his father?

— Joshua's Mom

Dear Friend:

My heart breaks for you and your son. This fallen world can be a painful place to live in. Our hope as Christians is that God knows our pain — Jesus can completely empathize with our sufferings, and he promises that someday, there will be no more tears or pain.

In the meantime, love your son as only you can. Affirm him for who is: a special creation of his heavenly Father. Be honest with him about his dad, and don't try to sugarcoat the truth. Explain that his biological father has made a lot of mistakes in life, just like Joshua makes mistakes sometimes. One of his dad's biggest mistakes was that he didn't stick around to get to know what a wonderful boy Joshua is. Make sure your son understands that his father left because of his own problems, not because of anything he did. Tell him that it's okay to be sad that his father left, and it's even okay to be mad at him for leaving. But you should also explain that God doesn't want us to hold grudges against people. Holding grudges or being resentful saddens God, and he also knows that it's not good for us.

Even though your son's biological dad is gone, he is blessed to have wonderful role models in his grandfather, his AWANA teacher, and your boyfriend. Encourage these men to spend special one-on-one "guy" time with Joshua. Their affirmation and attention will help Joshua understand how special and valuable he is. They can also share truths about God's love with him, helping him to understand that while his earthly father left him, his heavenly Father will never leave him or forsake him.

By the way, if you and your boyfriend decide to move forward into marriage, I pray that he will grow to love and adore Joshua as his own son. If that's the case, we have a great resource here at Focus on the Family that can help you and your boyfriend prepare for his new role in Joshua's life. It's called The Smart Stepfamily by family counselor Ron Deal.

Thanks for writing. I pray that God will "restore the days that the locusts have eaten" and richly bless your son as he grows.

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