Young Child Keeps Wandering Off in Public

Dear Dr. Bill:

I have a 3-year-old daughter that I have to watch like a hawk, because she continually wanders away from me. It doesn't matter where we are — playground, pool, beach, grocery store, etc. She will not stay with me. I recently lost her — only for a minute — but it was the worst minute of my life! I'm at a loss as to what to do with her. I've spanked, taken things away, tried to explain that she'll get lost, someone can take her, etc. Please help. Will she grow out of this?

— Audra

Dear Audra:

It sounds like you've got a very curious little girl on your hands. On the positive side, it's great that your daughter feels so secure in her relationship with you that she's enthusiastic about exploring the world around her. She obviously has very little fear about striking out on her own. This may be a sign that she'll grow up to be an adventurous adult with strong leadership qualities.

Of course, the negative side of her curiosity is that she could get lost, injured, or even taken by a stranger. By the way, you should know that even though the media sensationalizes stranger abductions, according to the FBI, they are extremely rare. Most kids who are abducted are taken by a friend, a relative, or an ex-spouse.

That being said, you're going to have to do something to reign in her little impromptu explorations. One way is to impose a negative consequence when she wanders away from you. Make it clear that because you love her and don't want her to get hurt, you are going to need to punish her when she disobeys you and doesn't stay close to you in public. Tell her that the next time she does it, you are going to take away one of her favorite toys or privileges. Then stick to your guns.

If she wanders away, implement the consequence. You should also praise her when she obeys you and sticks close to your side when you're in public.

You might also consider buying one of those little kid harnesses with the elastic leash attached. I know that some parents think those are cruel and demeaning to the child, but in my opinion, keeping your daughter safely constrained is certainly preferable to having her fall into a pool or get hit by a car.

One other thing to consider is that she may have some kind of attention deficit problem. It's difficult to diagnose a condition like ADHD in a three-year-old, but you might consult with your pediatrician or a child psychologist, just to rule that out.

Thanks for e-mailing, Audra. I pray that your daughter grows out of this stage soon and that you don't pull out all of your hair in the meantime!

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.